The Diary of a Leafcutter Ant,
Aged 13¾ (weeks)
Background and context
The leafcutter ant (no hyphen), of the tribe ‘Attini’ (a phrase stolen by the Ewoks in Star Wars Episode VI), is a type of ant (not surprisingly) found in the Americas, but not Canada (unless that soon becomes part of the USA!).
It cuts leaves, carries them back to the nest, and cultivates mould, a bit like in The Last of Us.
Anyway, the point here, is that this diary – written on dried leaves – was located in the wilds of Costa Rica, by Panamanian armadillo hunters. They successfully convinced an aubergine salesman from Nicaragua that this was the find of the century.
Here are some of the most relevant extracts from the diary. We determined from early (but less interesting) entries that the ant’s name is Stan.
The Diary
Day 27: Today I travelled further along the branch than ever before. I am exceedingly proud. Admittedly I got fewer leaves than I should, mainly because I was so thrilled to have broken my personal best. Still, now I know I can do it, I will do better tomorrow.
Day 45: Today I saw the mould mound for the first time. And it absolutely stinks! What are we doing? Normally I just drop it off at the… er, what’s the word… er, door. But today I took a peek inside and there is was; a festering pile of rotting compost that has made me question the reason for my – and our – very existence
Day 52: Today was a day of chaos and confusion. While waiting in line for a snack, a small leaf fell onto Bernie in front and caused him to skip out of the line. For a good period after that, Bernie didn’t know where to go or what to do, and none of us could move on without a complete line. In the end, we employed the services of a passing termite to fill the gap, which allowed us to move on again. I’m not sure what happened to Bernie.
Day 60: Today has got to be the best day of my life. I got to see the Queen. She is as regal as you could imagine, albeit with a leg missing and only one eye, and the fact that she is plonked right in the middle of the festering stink pile. But still; The Queen!
Day 61: Today was the worse day of my life. My best friend, Demetrius fell off the tree. A gang of soldier ant, patrolling the floor just walked all over him. I looked down at his still body several times during the day, but when I eventually got down his body was gone; blown away with the leaf litter.
Life – I have decided – is cruel.
Day 62: Today I….
Conclusion
At this point, the writing stops… abruptly, as you can tell. The armadillo hunters demanded more payment for the remaining pages, but by this stage the aubergine salesman was beginning to think this might be a bit fishy. The armadillo hunters were never seen again, and no more was heard from Stan.
The diary is currently under examination by the Department of Acromyrmex Falsehood Team.